I haven’t written any more about my lap-band procedure in part because I am in a holding position, waiting for the insurance to authorize it.  I may hear something week after next.  Meanwhile I wait and a million things go through my head.  Am I ready to make the changes? Does it really matter if I am ready or not because I will have no choice post procedure.  I think I need to have no choice, I think that may be the only way for me.  I am not strickly on a diet right now and I am out of Alli so a few pounds have crept back on.  My husband got frustrated with me last night and called me out on it.  He said he noticed that I was eating a lot and that I seemed not to be working at taking it off.  I will admit I have been a little out of control, but I haven’t been to the extreme he said he has noticed.  I might be subconsciencely “eating for the last time” some things.  I didn’t have that urge a few weeks ago, but the thoughts have crept in about what I will miss and what I want to have before the surgery.  I have to work this all out I know.  I am miffed at my husband and more than a little embaressed at his observations.  I hate more than anything to think I have disappointed him.  I want him to see me as this all powerful person who can do anything, but I’m not.  I have feet of clay.  I have so much trouble admitting that to myself.  He would reassure me, tell me he was sorry for saying anything, tell me I’m great and all that.  But I’m not.  If I was maybe I wouldn’t be facing surgery to cure a problem I should be able to do myself.  If I had an ounce of will power or self control would I be so disgusting.  Is it fair to spend the money for a procedure, take it away from the family budget, and be selfish.  Plus I am premenstrual so salt, fat and hating myself are my sustenance.  I will feel better later after I get over it and get past my embaressment.  I know I will be “up” relativly soon, but for now I have to wallow in self-hate and detest to purge myself of those feelings.

                 actual photo