Through the half conscious/ half drowsy heavly lidded eyes of my morning self, I came to some very interesting and at times life afferming truths found only in a.m. pre-school Nick Jr. programing.  Unlike BFF Rose, we don’t have the tivo gods at our house, so we are at the mercy of the programing geniuses at Nick for our daily “mommy still can’t face doing anything” time.

We start our mornings with Spongebob, whom I do genuinly enjoy.  I do think squidword is homosexual with his whole clarunet thing, and his large penis nose, but I laugh to myself.  Spongebob is that type show that sticks in enough stuff for mom to be amused – like the powerpuff girls ( not a Nick Jr show).  After my show is over, we move into the repeated Dora/Diago loop.  Dora’s “abuelo” is clearly a Colombian drug lord in drag.  Her voice is deeper thatn that Oak Ridge Boy’s guy and Dora is always bringing her “packages”.  Dora’s rarely present parents are clearly shielded from child protective services because of their kinship to the drug king. How do you say kick back corruption and deraliction of duty in Spanish?  Who in good faith would send/ allow their kid to travel all over what seems a sketchy neighborhood (full of cranky crocodiles and moulten marshmellow lava mountains) pursued always by Swiper ( code for fence man of hot goods) with only a monkey named “boots” to chaperone?  I think he may double as a pimp when Dora needs to bring back a little extra cash.  This morning it was revealed that Dora has twin baby siblings.  I remember no pregnancy and very special episode of Dora the Explorer to explain this life changing event.  I suspect baby brokering.  Seriously with many Latin American nations tighting up their adoption systems ( as the threat of Brangelina constantly looms) those little suckers can be tricky to get.  And we don’t  see the “twins” again, perhaps gone on to their for real homes?  While in the care of the ever negligent Madre et Padre de Dora, they accidently roled away in their stroller during the night.  Nobody seemed frantic about the situation, as a real parent would be waking up to find their children gone.  No, the Dora family et al joyously sing and dance and swing from vines as they take their own merry time catching up with the tikes.  No police are called, they keep it in the family with Diego and Abuela showing up (in night clothes) to help, No Media is alerted to help in the search and get the community involved.  Very suspicious!  When found nobody suggests they take them to the ER to check for possible injury, no investigation into how this happened is launched.  Its all great that the parents suck and Dora sings us out with the promise of more unsupervised fun in about 30 minutes.  Here is the life affirming thing for me – even though I slip in and out of wake mode while my three year old sits behind my legs on the couch watching her shows, I have never allowed her to wonder about the countryside with a monkey, a talking backpack, and a map to hopefully entertain herself near snakes, crocs, spiders, and natural disasters.  I am a good mom after all!

Don’t get me started on Yo Gabba Gabba – lets just say sex toys   or  Ni -Hi Ki Lan – I may be a xenaphobe but I fear the communist threat still and Max is gonna find out in a few years that Ruby isn’t his sister but his mother ( just like Bobby “Somewhere beyond the Sea” Darin did).